looking back

I was reading one of my friend Bryan's blog entries today, it's about memory and change. And it got me thinking about how different my life is from a year ago. So much has changed, so much growth. It got me thinking about the fluidity of life, and whether or not this supposedly linear idea of time is truly true at all.

Bryan's blog entry (I suggest you read his blog in its entirety, because it's awesome) was about memories from a year ago, it was about change and love and how we remember things. Perhaps it's because I'm in phase of life where things are about to change big time, but I've been thinking a lot about people, relationships and life in general a lot lately.

At this time last year, to the day, my grandmother died. That feels like a lifetime ago, but I still remember details of my brother and I walking out of the wake, him ready to be in tears, but already at 13 unable to shed them because he wanted to be a man for Mama. I still remember talking to Nick on the phone, crying and feeling like he didn't understand, and holding my cousin Elsie, 2 years old at the time, and wanting to cry for her because she will never know our perfect grandmother. Perhaps sadness is something we try to distance ourselves from more because it's so painful, but I haven't thought of these memories for a whole year. I've put them away because they're sad, because even as I write them I start to cry.

I wrote a while ago that I don't like to relive the bad, that I hang on to it but choose not to revisit those things that bring back anger, frustration and bitterness. But as I dig back into the memories of Grandma's death, I realized that there's a lot of catharsis in coming back to things that hurt. There's a lot of wisdom in perspective. So maybe it's not so bad after all.

A year later, my life has taken a few turns. I've had a few guys, a few big decisions and a new direction for my career goals.

Most people measure a year from January to January, but why not measure from October to October? Or big decision to big decision? This year has been a year of change for me, and a year of learning to trust myself and take for myself what I want. I've always thought of myself as one who only likes to move forward, but more and more I'm starting to see that looking backward has it's importance too.